I have just emailed this to the pos group. Lord onle knows what they will think of me now!! Wish i had remembered to put in it about Callum and how much is crap is affecting me!!!
It is 1.30am in New Zealand and i find myself awake thinking about my baby Sam. It has been a little more than 4 months since Sam died and yesterday i had one of the worse days i have had. Spent most of the morning in Sams room, crying, screaming sobing into his pillow begging him to come back. Today i am left with the residue of that and i dont much like it!! The night Sam died my husband of 20 years and i made a promise that we would deal with this together in the healthiest way possible. 4 Months later we barely speak, he works all day and when he is home he is watching tv ignoring me and the kids ( we have 5 others 3 live at home). As for me i am refusing to share my grief with anyone except on here it appears. I am amazed at how selfish i am being but i feel like my grief is mine, nobody understands it and so there is no point in sharing. When i have made the effort my husband sighs or makes excuses to leave.So i fall apart while the kids are at school and pull myself together when they get home. I have managed to be so unlike the old me that all my friends have given up on me and i am happy about that. My 21 year old daughter ( she found out she was pregnant with our first grandchild a week after Sam died and i cant even get excited about that!) knows something is going on and keeps telling me to go to counciling but i dont want to!! So i wonder, will my marriage fall apart, will my children end up hating me, will i have some sort of irriversable breakdown or will some magic fairy wave a wand and make everything better? Sorry about the depressing attitude but i am normally ( pre Sam dying) a rational thinking person and this stuff is really freaking me out. Oh and just to finish i am living in a town that is in the middle of suicide fever. We lost 4 kids in our town in less than 2 months ( Sam was the second), the 3rd was my 15 year old sons best friend Other than Sam who was his hero! so the papers are all about a suicide pact ( not true) and we have messed up teenagers everywhere who are coming to me for answers because our agencies are no help at all! I am done now and really hope me posting this hasn't gone to far with the sharing thing.
Toni Mum of Sam
7 October 1994 - 20 June 2011
I love you Sam to the moon & back
Forever & ever
Well i have just got a reply and i am putting it along with any others that i get on the end of this post so i can read them later and pick out the wisdom.
Toni, I am so sorry for your pain and anguish. I know so much of how you
feel! I have two little kids 8 and almost 6 that I myself have been trying
to run away from because sometimes, I just don't have the energy to deal
with them. I feel I am going backwards in my healing, but maybe it's
normal. I am so agitated lately, I am short tempered and grumpy (to put it
mildly). I don't want my family to see me crying - again- they cry enough
on their own, and my 24 yr old seems to be holding together fairly well, but
he gets mad at me if I don't "catch his hint" as to why he didn't sleep well
the night before or why he doesn't want to be responsible and get a job. I
know the feeling well. We just want to crawl under a rock!
My husband and I are at odds to a degree, Cody's death just doesn't seem to
bother him as much as it does me. I am the mom, I carried him, I MADE that
baby, yes, my heart is ripped out of my chest right now! When I break down
and cry, and he just rubs my back after asking me over and over "whats
wrong?" "WHY do I always HAVE to say whats wrong!! Don't you know?!?!"
Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but he is trying, the best he knows how.
People grieve differently, and we have to try and understand their way too.
I hope you are able to seek comfort, pray, read the bible, go to church,
start a bible study and make it about whatever topic YOU need to study (hey,
that's what I'm doing) and I try to carve out a little time with my hubby
every week, even if it's just sitting in the garage by ourselves having a
few drinks, while the kids ride their bikes in the driveway or have already
gone to bed... you have to protect your marriage the best you can, and if
your hubby sees little efforts by you, maybe it will be enough for him to
put in more effort too. Sometimes men are followers... you have to lead
him. I would hate to hear of your marriage not surviving during the worst
moments of your life. [?]
Prayers for you and your family hun. Oh, and I take a xanax now and then
when the agitation is overbearing... it does help. It doesn't make me sleepy
or anything, it takes the edge off of my frazzled nerves. I don't want my
little kids growing up to hate me because I didn't try to hold it together
for them better.... no matter what it takes.
Oh yea, and my friends avoid me like the plague now... I guess they think I
sit around sobbing and blubbering all day and am no longer coherent enough
to hold a conversation... geez I don't know, but I secretly like the
solidarity - but the loneliness is suffocating. We are on a roller coaster
that is for sure.
Annette
Mom of 4 minus 1
Cody James Curth
7/16/92 - 9/17/11
hanging
Forever Missed/Never Forgotten
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