31.7.2011

I miss you so much sam. I love you and wish more than anything you would come home. I hope you are having a good time with God. I have asked him if i can come and visit you for a day to see you and really hope he lets me. I am so sorry that i couldn't save you and i promise no one loves you like i do. I will love you forever and ever and can't wait to see you and hold you and tell you all the things i love about you. My heart hurts so badly and i want the happy memories to hurry up and come. I hope you are never sad in heaven sam. I will take care of everyone that loves you and do my best to see they all come to heaven to spend eternity with you. I love you to the moon and back forever and ever Amen

26.09.2011

I dropped the kids off at school today and have come home and spent the morning looking up websites about suicide. I am now crying and yet again feeling unbearably sad and ripped off. Nothing is a same, it never will be. I rang the coroners office and left a message. I want an inquest so the system that didn't work for sam can get changed to help others. I think thats what i want anyway. I have never been a really angry person but now i am angry at just about everyone. If this is how every day is going to be for me i dont know how bloody long i will last. I remember at about 1am the day sam died, (i found him at 5.30pm) david and i were in our bedroom crying and talking about how we were going to get through this the healthiest way possible so our family didn't fall apart. 3 months later i cry when they are not around and don't when they are, i will do anything to avoid shareing my grief with my family, it is mine and i want to withdraw and be sad by myself. I think david just wants to be strong in the hope that it will make me better. I think he feels helpless and i don't blame him. Its a huge mess that seems to be getting worse not better. As time goes on i feel like it is going to be impossible to fix this. When sam first died i had hope that god would see us through this and we would come out the other side okish, i don't feel that now. I have no hope at all that things will ever be better than they are now. Sam was incredible, he was gentle and caring he loved animals and family, he loved being on the farm and playing with his brothers and sisters. I don't know why it all had to turn to crap. I thought i was doing enough but the truth is i wasn't. There was more i could have done but i was scared of pissing people off, upsetting people and ruining relationships. Stupid world that didn't have a place for my son that would make him fit in!!! I miss him so much, what the fuck am i going to do.

22.9.2011

It has been three months and two days since Sam died. I have just come back from being in Auckland with Callum with his operation. I felt it was time to write again. I have such a huge range of emotions and thoughts running through my head and want to write them down in case i need to remember them at some point. For about the last six weeks i have almost been proud of how well i am doing. I have hardly cryed, i have laughed with my friends and i have gotten through some whole days without even thinking about sam. Early on during this time i realised it was so painful to think about him pre him dying that i choose to do whatever it took to block him from my mind because i needed to function for the rest of my family, i refer to the old addage the buck stops here! I did a great job and truely believed i would be able to maintain it for ever or at least a really long time. I had based my decision on an idea i got in my head that when someone dies that we love you should be able to take a pill that would make you forget they ever existed. So what a bloody surprise i got when a week ago in Auckland the whole blocking wall fell down. The lump came back, i had no control over memories and the affect they had on me. I have cryed such alot and been such a mess that i didn't want to come home to my family, because they would try to make it better and i have no desire to be better. Prior to this breakdown i had been really seriously considering getting back in the boat but have now adamently decided screw the boat i am happy floating in the ocean until i drown in my grief! The desicions i make are always serious and delibirate and i am disturbed that i the most extraverted person i know would even consider such a hidious thing. I have a desire to seek out sad people and only spend time with them. Today Sandy text and asked me to meet her for coffee. I went because she needed to see if i was ok, but told her i have no desire to be here with you, all i want to do is go home and wallow in my grief and as such you get what you get with me, she got a whole bunch of emotions and it scares me no not scares more like shake your head in surprise that i would treat my friend like this. I have always been so sentitive to hurting peoples feelings but i just don't care at the momment about anyone but myself and Braiden . Braiden is a mess, he wants nothing to do with me, is angry and withdrawen. The only time he is happy is when he is with friends. This is really painful to me and with him i am terrified he will get really depressed and kill himself too or at the very least take drugs like sam did. Holly will be fine, david is amazing with her, Nathaniel will not be unless something amazing happens. I know i will have to fix him myself but i don't want to so i am angry that i have too. Its not that i think someone else should fix him or braiden, its that i know as their mum i am the only person that can! Another emotion that is hounding me is that my one job on this earth is to take care of my kids on an emotional level and it appears i have failed misarably with sam and have no faith in my ability to do any better with the others. So i am in quite a bind. The buck stops with me but i have proven i can't do it. The first time i went to grief group i did it because i had hope and wanted to do everything i could to get through the griefing prosscess in the healthiest way possible. I really want to go to grief group again next week but this time because it will be full of sad people and i will feel at home. I kind of think i am looking to full my self up with more sadness and self pity and i think group will do that. I have to go now and pick up the kids from school I have promised them all of me this afternoon to do and be anything they need as they havn't seen me for two weeks.