Sent: Saturday, 29 October 2011 2:55 AM
Subject: [PoS] FRIDAY: Autopsy Report
Dear Friends,
Was there an autopsy done on your son or daughter?
No, My Husband fought to stop it and succeeded. I remember at the time being scared that because he fought it they would think we killed our son. Such irrational thoughts when i think about it now as all the police where standing there watching me be completly hysterical clinging to my son screaming! They did howerer make a small incision to his groin so a toxoligy report could be done.
( Sam died by hanging in our shed on the 20th June 2011, next to a couch that he could have stopped the process with had he chosen to, I found him an hour later).
If so, who requested or ordered it to be done?
If so, was there any doubt about how your son or daughter died?
If so, did you read a copy of the autopsy report?
4 months later
we have not received a toxoligy report and i am pleased because i dont want to now what drugs my son was taking prior to his death ( at this point anyway)
If so, what do you remember about it?
AND ... If you had had a choice, would there have been an autopsy done?
Explain why or why not?
No, My bestfriends son died by hanging 6 years earlier and i remember going to dress him and being horrified by the scar and the thought of what they had done. The only thing about not having one was that it took longer to get my son back which ment we only had 2 1/2 days with him before the funeral.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Saturday, October 29, 2011
30.10.2011
I have just emailed this to the pos group. Lord onle knows what they will think of me now!! Wish i had remembered to put in it about Callum and how much is crap is affecting me!!!
It is 1.30am in New Zealand and i find myself awake thinking about my baby Sam. It has been a little more than 4 months since Sam died and yesterday i had one of the worse days i have had. Spent most of the morning in Sams room, crying, screaming sobing into his pillow begging him to come back. Today i am left with the residue of that and i dont much like it!! The night Sam died my husband of 20 years and i made a promise that we would deal with this together in the healthiest way possible. 4 Months later we barely speak, he works all day and when he is home he is watching tv ignoring me and the kids ( we have 5 others 3 live at home). As for me i am refusing to share my grief with anyone except on here it appears. I am amazed at how selfish i am being but i feel like my grief is mine, nobody understands it and so there is no point in sharing. When i have made the effort my husband sighs or makes excuses to leave.So i fall apart while the kids are at school and pull myself together when they get home. I have managed to be so unlike the old me that all my friends have given up on me and i am happy about that. My 21 year old daughter ( she found out she was pregnant with our first grandchild a week after Sam died and i cant even get excited about that!) knows something is going on and keeps telling me to go to counciling but i dont want to!! So i wonder, will my marriage fall apart, will my children end up hating me, will i have some sort of irriversable breakdown or will some magic fairy wave a wand and make everything better? Sorry about the depressing attitude but i am normally ( pre Sam dying) a rational thinking person and this stuff is really freaking me out. Oh and just to finish i am living in a town that is in the middle of suicide fever. We lost 4 kids in our town in less than 2 months ( Sam was the second), the 3rd was my 15 year old sons best friend Other than Sam who was his hero! so the papers are all about a suicide pact ( not true) and we have messed up teenagers everywhere who are coming to me for answers because our agencies are no help at all! I am done now and really hope me posting this hasn't gone to far with the sharing thing.
Toni Mum of Sam
7 October 1994 - 20 June 2011
I love you Sam to the moon & back
Forever & ever
Well i have just got a reply and i am putting it along with any others that i get on the end of this post so i can read them later and pick out the wisdom.
Toni, I am so sorry for your pain and anguish. I know so much of how you
feel! I have two little kids 8 and almost 6 that I myself have been trying
to run away from because sometimes, I just don't have the energy to deal
with them. I feel I am going backwards in my healing, but maybe it's
normal. I am so agitated lately, I am short tempered and grumpy (to put it
mildly). I don't want my family to see me crying - again- they cry enough
on their own, and my 24 yr old seems to be holding together fairly well, but
he gets mad at me if I don't "catch his hint" as to why he didn't sleep well
the night before or why he doesn't want to be responsible and get a job. I
know the feeling well. We just want to crawl under a rock!
My husband and I are at odds to a degree, Cody's death just doesn't seem to
bother him as much as it does me. I am the mom, I carried him, I MADE that
baby, yes, my heart is ripped out of my chest right now! When I break down
and cry, and he just rubs my back after asking me over and over "whats
wrong?" "WHY do I always HAVE to say whats wrong!! Don't you know?!?!"
Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but he is trying, the best he knows how.
People grieve differently, and we have to try and understand their way too.
I hope you are able to seek comfort, pray, read the bible, go to church,
start a bible study and make it about whatever topic YOU need to study (hey,
that's what I'm doing) and I try to carve out a little time with my hubby
every week, even if it's just sitting in the garage by ourselves having a
few drinks, while the kids ride their bikes in the driveway or have already
gone to bed... you have to protect your marriage the best you can, and if
your hubby sees little efforts by you, maybe it will be enough for him to
put in more effort too. Sometimes men are followers... you have to lead
him. I would hate to hear of your marriage not surviving during the worst
moments of your life. [?]
Prayers for you and your family hun. Oh, and I take a xanax now and then
when the agitation is overbearing... it does help. It doesn't make me sleepy
or anything, it takes the edge off of my frazzled nerves. I don't want my
little kids growing up to hate me because I didn't try to hold it together
for them better.... no matter what it takes.
Oh yea, and my friends avoid me like the plague now... I guess they think I
sit around sobbing and blubbering all day and am no longer coherent enough
to hold a conversation... geez I don't know, but I secretly like the
solidarity - but the loneliness is suffocating. We are on a roller coaster
that is for sure.
Annette
Mom of 4 minus 1
Cody James Curth
7/16/92 - 9/17/11
hanging
Forever Missed/Never Forgotten
It is 1.30am in New Zealand and i find myself awake thinking about my baby Sam. It has been a little more than 4 months since Sam died and yesterday i had one of the worse days i have had. Spent most of the morning in Sams room, crying, screaming sobing into his pillow begging him to come back. Today i am left with the residue of that and i dont much like it!! The night Sam died my husband of 20 years and i made a promise that we would deal with this together in the healthiest way possible. 4 Months later we barely speak, he works all day and when he is home he is watching tv ignoring me and the kids ( we have 5 others 3 live at home). As for me i am refusing to share my grief with anyone except on here it appears. I am amazed at how selfish i am being but i feel like my grief is mine, nobody understands it and so there is no point in sharing. When i have made the effort my husband sighs or makes excuses to leave.So i fall apart while the kids are at school and pull myself together when they get home. I have managed to be so unlike the old me that all my friends have given up on me and i am happy about that. My 21 year old daughter ( she found out she was pregnant with our first grandchild a week after Sam died and i cant even get excited about that!) knows something is going on and keeps telling me to go to counciling but i dont want to!! So i wonder, will my marriage fall apart, will my children end up hating me, will i have some sort of irriversable breakdown or will some magic fairy wave a wand and make everything better? Sorry about the depressing attitude but i am normally ( pre Sam dying) a rational thinking person and this stuff is really freaking me out. Oh and just to finish i am living in a town that is in the middle of suicide fever. We lost 4 kids in our town in less than 2 months ( Sam was the second), the 3rd was my 15 year old sons best friend Other than Sam who was his hero! so the papers are all about a suicide pact ( not true) and we have messed up teenagers everywhere who are coming to me for answers because our agencies are no help at all! I am done now and really hope me posting this hasn't gone to far with the sharing thing.
Toni Mum of Sam
7 October 1994 - 20 June 2011
I love you Sam to the moon & back
Forever & ever
Well i have just got a reply and i am putting it along with any others that i get on the end of this post so i can read them later and pick out the wisdom.
Toni, I am so sorry for your pain and anguish. I know so much of how you
feel! I have two little kids 8 and almost 6 that I myself have been trying
to run away from because sometimes, I just don't have the energy to deal
with them. I feel I am going backwards in my healing, but maybe it's
normal. I am so agitated lately, I am short tempered and grumpy (to put it
mildly). I don't want my family to see me crying - again- they cry enough
on their own, and my 24 yr old seems to be holding together fairly well, but
he gets mad at me if I don't "catch his hint" as to why he didn't sleep well
the night before or why he doesn't want to be responsible and get a job. I
know the feeling well. We just want to crawl under a rock!
My husband and I are at odds to a degree, Cody's death just doesn't seem to
bother him as much as it does me. I am the mom, I carried him, I MADE that
baby, yes, my heart is ripped out of my chest right now! When I break down
and cry, and he just rubs my back after asking me over and over "whats
wrong?" "WHY do I always HAVE to say whats wrong!! Don't you know?!?!"
Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but he is trying, the best he knows how.
People grieve differently, and we have to try and understand their way too.
I hope you are able to seek comfort, pray, read the bible, go to church,
start a bible study and make it about whatever topic YOU need to study (hey,
that's what I'm doing) and I try to carve out a little time with my hubby
every week, even if it's just sitting in the garage by ourselves having a
few drinks, while the kids ride their bikes in the driveway or have already
gone to bed... you have to protect your marriage the best you can, and if
your hubby sees little efforts by you, maybe it will be enough for him to
put in more effort too. Sometimes men are followers... you have to lead
him. I would hate to hear of your marriage not surviving during the worst
moments of your life. [?]
Prayers for you and your family hun. Oh, and I take a xanax now and then
when the agitation is overbearing... it does help. It doesn't make me sleepy
or anything, it takes the edge off of my frazzled nerves. I don't want my
little kids growing up to hate me because I didn't try to hold it together
for them better.... no matter what it takes.
Oh yea, and my friends avoid me like the plague now... I guess they think I
sit around sobbing and blubbering all day and am no longer coherent enough
to hold a conversation... geez I don't know, but I secretly like the
solidarity - but the loneliness is suffocating. We are on a roller coaster
that is for sure.
Annette
Mom of 4 minus 1
Cody James Curth
7/16/92 - 9/17/11
hanging
Forever Missed/Never Forgotten
Thursday, October 27, 2011
28.10.2011
Well today has been an ass day!! I woke up crying but have no idea what i was dreaming obout. As soon as David heard me he got out of bed ( i asume he wanted no part of that)!! I lay in bed for a little bit then got up and took scooter for a walk. Figured the exercise would fix me WRONG!. Came home and had an argument with david so went out to Sams room and cryed, actually bawled, screamed, yelled etc for about half an hour. When i came back inside david had gone to work which was a bonus because i had no desire to be near him. I am so angry with him at the momment, although if i am really truthful which i may as well be it has been building up. When sam died we sat together and promised each other we would do what we needed to do to make our family ok. He said he would look out for Braiden and would take him away and spend time with him if he ever went wonky, we would spend more time together and as a family. He is now back to working all day and night, ignoring me braiden and the kids in favor of the bloody tv and is back to calling callum an alcholic druggy ( conditional love for the boy has kicked back in. Don't get me wrong i am sad all the time and want to grieve alone but I do it when he is at work and the kids are at school then put it aside to be with them. I am so over this shit! I spent the rest of the day reading sad emails from my suicide support group and listeng to "heaven got an angel". I am angry, sad, tired etc etc etc. At the momment i wish i could just run away and run and run and run until it all goes away. I am beginning to understand why people kill themselves after there child does. I reallly can't be bothered!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
18.10.2011
It is 8.50pm and I an posting again because of a phone conversation I had with my brother today. He asked me to look after his son on the weekend because he didn't want the boys alone while he was at sport. I said I agree they can't be trusted not to get into mischief and then he started. He said if I didn't trust Braiden and give him freedom he would go off the rails like Sam, pointing out that I will have to let him in to parties and drink soon! He also told me he didn't believe Sam was depressed or that dyspraxia had anything to do with sams death. He said kids need to harden up and get over bullying and said Sam killed himself only because of the drugs. I am so Fucking angry I don't care if I never speak to him again! Any body that had anything to do with Sam growing up knew how Fucking hard it was for my baby which goes to show how little time he spent with him! With that said what the hell right does he have giving me his opinion. I have cried since he rang because the thoughtless bastard didn't even care enough to realise that even taking about Sam brings unbearable pain let alone saying horrible shit. So now I am yet again fighting with the lump and anxiety and unbearable sadness which will of course lead me to lay in bed all night telling god I want my baby back, that's its not fair and then feel worse because it won't happen!
Monday, October 17, 2011
18.10.2011
Last night i sat up alone until 1.30am watching the funeral video over and over. I don't know why, i never know why anymore. After my last bad patch which lasted a month and finally finished 3 days before sam 17th birthday i thought i would get a reasonably long good period. Instead i got 1 week and 2 days before it all turned to crap again. I organised for friends to come to the cemetary, share dinner and let off balloons. About 50 people came. Braiden wanted it but in the end couldn't organise so i had to. It was weird and uncomfortable so i spent the whole time trying to make people more comfortable ( mostly the teenagers). People seems to enjoy writing notes to sam on balloons and letting them off which i didn't really see because i was taping it. Funny that getting memories that i can keep are more important than the actual event!Its the school holidays and braiden is in auckland for the week so just the two little ones home. This has made me realise how small my family is now sam is gone and i hate it! I moved sam back into his own room the other day as he had moved rooms the morning he died and it didn't feel right. It wasn't that hard except the smells and of course being in the bloody shed! I think i feel better that he is were he is ment to be now. David is so withdrawn from me now that i think he may hate me. He never talks to me except to say something mean or correct me or judge me. I can understand why everyone gets divorced when your child dies. I am pretty sure he is depressed but wont go to the doctors because i guess he is happy doing what he is doing. I have spent the morning looking up more websites about suicide, which of course made things worse! I am going to try to write in here more often so i can keep track of my emotions.
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