28.10.2011

Well today has been an ass day!! I woke up crying but have no idea what i was dreaming obout. As soon as David heard me he got out of bed ( i asume he wanted no part of that)!! I lay in bed for a little bit then got up and took scooter for a walk. Figured the exercise would fix me WRONG!. Came home and had an argument with david so went out to Sams room and cryed, actually bawled, screamed, yelled etc for about half an hour. When i came back inside david had gone to work which was a bonus because i had no desire to be near him. I am so angry with him at the momment, although if i am really truthful which i may as well be it has been building up. When sam died we sat together and promised each other we would do what we needed to do to make our family ok. He said he would look out for Braiden and would take him away and spend time with him if he ever went wonky, we would spend more time together and as a family. He is now back to working all day and night, ignoring me braiden and the kids in favor of the bloody tv and is back to calling callum an alcholic druggy ( conditional love for the boy has kicked back in. Don't get me wrong i am sad all the time and want to grieve alone but I do it when he is at work and the kids are at school then put it aside to be with them. I am so over this shit! I spent the rest of the day reading sad emails from my suicide support group and listeng to "heaven got an angel". I am angry, sad, tired etc etc etc. At the momment i wish i could just run away and run and run and run until it all goes away. I am beginning to understand why people kill themselves after there child does. I reallly can't be bothered!