30.10.2011

I have just emailed this to the pos group. Lord onle knows what they will think of me now!! Wish i had remembered to put in it about Callum and how much is crap is affecting me!!!

It is 1.30am in New Zealand and i find myself awake thinking about my baby Sam. It has been a little more than 4 months since Sam died and yesterday i had one of the worse days i have had. Spent most of the morning in Sams room, crying, screaming sobing into his pillow begging him to come back. Today i am left with the residue of that and i dont much like it!! The night Sam died my husband of 20 years and i made a promise that we would deal with this together in the healthiest way possible. 4 Months later we barely speak, he works all day and when he is home he is watching tv ignoring me and the kids ( we have 5 others 3 live at home). As for me i am refusing to share my grief with anyone except on here it appears. I am amazed at how selfish i am being but i feel like my grief is mine, nobody understands it and so there is no point in sharing. When i have made the effort my husband sighs or makes excuses to leave.So i fall apart while the kids are at school and pull myself together when they get home. I have managed to be so unlike the old me that all my friends have given up on me and i am happy about that. My 21 year old daughter ( she found out she was pregnant with our first grandchild a week after Sam died and i cant even get excited about that!) knows something is going on and keeps telling me to go to counciling but i dont want to!! So i wonder, will my marriage fall apart, will my children end up hating me, will i have some sort of irriversable breakdown or will some magic fairy wave a wand and make everything better? Sorry about the depressing attitude but i am normally ( pre Sam dying) a rational thinking person and this stuff is really freaking me out. Oh and just to finish i am living in a town that is in the middle of suicide fever. We lost 4 kids in our town in less than 2 months ( Sam was the second), the 3rd was my 15 year old sons best friend Other than Sam who was his hero! so the papers are all about a suicide pact ( not true) and we have messed up teenagers everywhere who are coming to me for answers because our agencies are no help at all! I am done now and really hope me posting this hasn't gone to far with the sharing thing.

Toni Mum of Sam
7 October 1994 - 20 June 2011
I love you Sam to the moon & back
Forever & ever

Well i have just got a reply and i am putting it along with any others that i get on the end of this post so i can read them later and pick out the wisdom.

Toni, I am so sorry for your pain and anguish. I know so much of how you
feel! I have two little kids 8 and almost 6 that I myself have been trying
to run away from because sometimes, I just don't have the energy to deal
with them. I feel I am going backwards in my healing, but maybe it's
normal. I am so agitated lately, I am short tempered and grumpy (to put it
mildly). I don't want my family to see me crying - again- they cry enough
on their own, and my 24 yr old seems to be holding together fairly well, but
he gets mad at me if I don't "catch his hint" as to why he didn't sleep well
the night before or why he doesn't want to be responsible and get a job. I
know the feeling well. We just want to crawl under a rock!

My husband and I are at odds to a degree, Cody's death just doesn't seem to
bother him as much as it does me. I am the mom, I carried him, I MADE that
baby, yes, my heart is ripped out of my chest right now! When I break down
and cry, and he just rubs my back after asking me over and over "whats
wrong?" "WHY do I always HAVE to say whats wrong!! Don't you know?!?!"
Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but he is trying, the best he knows how.
People grieve differently, and we have to try and understand their way too.

I hope you are able to seek comfort, pray, read the bible, go to church,
start a bible study and make it about whatever topic YOU need to study (hey,
that's what I'm doing) and I try to carve out a little time with my hubby
every week, even if it's just sitting in the garage by ourselves having a
few drinks, while the kids ride their bikes in the driveway or have already
gone to bed... you have to protect your marriage the best you can, and if
your hubby sees little efforts by you, maybe it will be enough for him to
put in more effort too. Sometimes men are followers... you have to lead
him. I would hate to hear of your marriage not surviving during the worst
moments of your life. [?]

Prayers for you and your family hun. Oh, and I take a xanax now and then
when the agitation is overbearing... it does help. It doesn't make me sleepy
or anything, it takes the edge off of my frazzled nerves. I don't want my
little kids growing up to hate me because I didn't try to hold it together
for them better.... no matter what it takes.

Oh yea, and my friends avoid me like the plague now... I guess they think I
sit around sobbing and blubbering all day and am no longer coherent enough
to hold a conversation... geez I don't know, but I secretly like the
solidarity - but the loneliness is suffocating. We are on a roller coaster
that is for sure.

Annette
Mom of 4 minus 1
Cody James Curth
7/16/92 - 9/17/11
hanging

Forever Missed/Never Forgotten

28.10.2011

Well today has been an ass day!! I woke up crying but have no idea what i was dreaming obout. As soon as David heard me he got out of bed ( i asume he wanted no part of that)!! I lay in bed for a little bit then got up and took scooter for a walk. Figured the exercise would fix me WRONG!. Came home and had an argument with david so went out to Sams room and cryed, actually bawled, screamed, yelled etc for about half an hour. When i came back inside david had gone to work which was a bonus because i had no desire to be near him. I am so angry with him at the momment, although if i am really truthful which i may as well be it has been building up. When sam died we sat together and promised each other we would do what we needed to do to make our family ok. He said he would look out for Braiden and would take him away and spend time with him if he ever went wonky, we would spend more time together and as a family. He is now back to working all day and night, ignoring me braiden and the kids in favor of the bloody tv and is back to calling callum an alcholic druggy ( conditional love for the boy has kicked back in. Don't get me wrong i am sad all the time and want to grieve alone but I do it when he is at work and the kids are at school then put it aside to be with them. I am so over this shit! I spent the rest of the day reading sad emails from my suicide support group and listeng to "heaven got an angel". I am angry, sad, tired etc etc etc. At the momment i wish i could just run away and run and run and run until it all goes away. I am beginning to understand why people kill themselves after there child does. I reallly can't be bothered!

Heaven got another angel lyrics

Lullaby Goodbye - An Original Song

18.10.2011

It is 8.50pm and I an posting again because of a phone conversation I had with my brother today. He  asked me to look after his son on the weekend because he didn't want the boys alone while he was at sport. I said I agree they can't be trusted not to get into mischief and then he started. He said if I didn't trust Braiden and give him freedom he would go off the rails like Sam, pointing out that I will have to let him in to parties and drink soon! He  also told me he  didn't believe Sam was depressed or that dyspraxia had anything to do with sams death. He said kids need to harden up and get over bullying and said Sam killed himself only because of the drugs. I am so Fucking angry I don't care  if I never speak to him again! Any body that had anything to do with Sam growing up knew how Fucking hard it was for my baby which goes to show how little time he  spent with him! With that said what the hell right does he have giving me his opinion. I have cried since he rang because the thoughtless bastard didn't even care  enough to realise that even taking about Sam brings unbearable pain let alone saying horrible shit. So now I am yet again fighting with the lump and anxiety and unbearable sadness which will of course lead me  to lay in bed all night telling god I want my baby back, that's its not fair and then feel worse because it won't happen!

18.10.2011

Last night i sat up alone until 1.30am watching the funeral video over and over. I don't know why, i never know why anymore. After my last bad patch which lasted a month and finally finished 3 days before sam 17th birthday i thought i would get a reasonably long good period. Instead i got 1 week and 2 days before it all turned to crap again. I organised for friends to come to the cemetary, share dinner and let off balloons. About 50 people came. Braiden wanted it but in the end couldn't organise so i had to. It was weird and uncomfortable so i spent the whole time trying to make people more comfortable ( mostly the teenagers). People seems to enjoy writing notes to sam on balloons and letting them off which i didn't really see because i was taping it. Funny that getting memories that i can keep are more important than the actual event!Its the school holidays and braiden is in auckland for the week so just the two little ones home. This has made me realise how small my family is now sam is gone and i hate it! I moved sam back into his own room the other day as he had moved rooms the morning he died and it didn't feel right. It wasn't that hard except the smells and of course being in the bloody shed! I think i feel better that he is were he is ment to be now. David is so withdrawn from me now that i think he may hate me. He never talks to me except to say something mean or correct me or judge me. I can understand why everyone gets divorced when your child dies. I am pretty sure he is depressed but wont go to the doctors because i guess he is happy doing what he is doing. I have spent the morning looking up more websites about suicide, which of course made things worse! I am going to try to write in here more often so i can keep track of my emotions.

31.7.2011

I miss you so much sam. I love you and wish more than anything you would come home. I hope you are having a good time with God. I have asked him if i can come and visit you for a day to see you and really hope he lets me. I am so sorry that i couldn't save you and i promise no one loves you like i do. I will love you forever and ever and can't wait to see you and hold you and tell you all the things i love about you. My heart hurts so badly and i want the happy memories to hurry up and come. I hope you are never sad in heaven sam. I will take care of everyone that loves you and do my best to see they all come to heaven to spend eternity with you. I love you to the moon and back forever and ever Amen

26.09.2011

I dropped the kids off at school today and have come home and spent the morning looking up websites about suicide. I am now crying and yet again feeling unbearably sad and ripped off. Nothing is a same, it never will be. I rang the coroners office and left a message. I want an inquest so the system that didn't work for sam can get changed to help others. I think thats what i want anyway. I have never been a really angry person but now i am angry at just about everyone. If this is how every day is going to be for me i dont know how bloody long i will last. I remember at about 1am the day sam died, (i found him at 5.30pm) david and i were in our bedroom crying and talking about how we were going to get through this the healthiest way possible so our family didn't fall apart. 3 months later i cry when they are not around and don't when they are, i will do anything to avoid shareing my grief with my family, it is mine and i want to withdraw and be sad by myself. I think david just wants to be strong in the hope that it will make me better. I think he feels helpless and i don't blame him. Its a huge mess that seems to be getting worse not better. As time goes on i feel like it is going to be impossible to fix this. When sam first died i had hope that god would see us through this and we would come out the other side okish, i don't feel that now. I have no hope at all that things will ever be better than they are now. Sam was incredible, he was gentle and caring he loved animals and family, he loved being on the farm and playing with his brothers and sisters. I don't know why it all had to turn to crap. I thought i was doing enough but the truth is i wasn't. There was more i could have done but i was scared of pissing people off, upsetting people and ruining relationships. Stupid world that didn't have a place for my son that would make him fit in!!! I miss him so much, what the fuck am i going to do.

22.9.2011

It has been three months and two days since Sam died. I have just come back from being in Auckland with Callum with his operation. I felt it was time to write again. I have such a huge range of emotions and thoughts running through my head and want to write them down in case i need to remember them at some point. For about the last six weeks i have almost been proud of how well i am doing. I have hardly cryed, i have laughed with my friends and i have gotten through some whole days without even thinking about sam. Early on during this time i realised it was so painful to think about him pre him dying that i choose to do whatever it took to block him from my mind because i needed to function for the rest of my family, i refer to the old addage the buck stops here! I did a great job and truely believed i would be able to maintain it for ever or at least a really long time. I had based my decision on an idea i got in my head that when someone dies that we love you should be able to take a pill that would make you forget they ever existed. So what a bloody surprise i got when a week ago in Auckland the whole blocking wall fell down. The lump came back, i had no control over memories and the affect they had on me. I have cryed such alot and been such a mess that i didn't want to come home to my family, because they would try to make it better and i have no desire to be better. Prior to this breakdown i had been really seriously considering getting back in the boat but have now adamently decided screw the boat i am happy floating in the ocean until i drown in my grief! The desicions i make are always serious and delibirate and i am disturbed that i the most extraverted person i know would even consider such a hidious thing. I have a desire to seek out sad people and only spend time with them. Today Sandy text and asked me to meet her for coffee. I went because she needed to see if i was ok, but told her i have no desire to be here with you, all i want to do is go home and wallow in my grief and as such you get what you get with me, she got a whole bunch of emotions and it scares me no not scares more like shake your head in surprise that i would treat my friend like this. I have always been so sentitive to hurting peoples feelings but i just don't care at the momment about anyone but myself and Braiden . Braiden is a mess, he wants nothing to do with me, is angry and withdrawen. The only time he is happy is when he is with friends. This is really painful to me and with him i am terrified he will get really depressed and kill himself too or at the very least take drugs like sam did. Holly will be fine, david is amazing with her, Nathaniel will not be unless something amazing happens. I know i will have to fix him myself but i don't want to so i am angry that i have too. Its not that i think someone else should fix him or braiden, its that i know as their mum i am the only person that can! Another emotion that is hounding me is that my one job on this earth is to take care of my kids on an emotional level and it appears i have failed misarably with sam and have no faith in my ability to do any better with the others. So i am in quite a bind. The buck stops with me but i have proven i can't do it. The first time i went to grief group i did it because i had hope and wanted to do everything i could to get through the griefing prosscess in the healthiest way possible. I really want to go to grief group again next week but this time because it will be full of sad people and i will feel at home. I kind of think i am looking to full my self up with more sadness and self pity and i think group will do that. I have to go now and pick up the kids from school I have promised them all of me this afternoon to do and be anything they need as they havn't seen me for two weeks.

Two Weeks Today

It has been two weeks since my baby died. I woke up unbearably sad. It amazes me that i can be that sad when i have only been awake for 1 second. i had to get up to get the kids ready for school I had a migraine which i had to jab for and i managed to hold myself together long enough to get them to school. Braiden didn't want to go to school but i made him pretend he was and come in the car so the Nathaniel and Holly would go without getting upset because they had to go. I just don't have the energy to deal with them being at home. I know its not their fault but they are getting back to normal in the sense that they are argueing and not doing as they are told and it makes me feel angry that they would do that when i am so sad. I managed to go to the supermarket and get teabags and milk and then Braiden wanted to get the stuff he needed to make necklaces from the left over paua shell we had used to sprinkle over sam at the funeral. I didn't want to but he needed to do it so we went to several shops until we found what he needed. He felt much better after that. I came back just as christa arrived. I had a cup of tea with david during which we talked about the huge knots we have in our stomach and discussed how we thought we could get rid of them. The only way we have figured out is to cry. I have explained to the kids that it is like when you have a tummy bug. You feel really sick and then when you vomit you feel a bit better for a little while. During the discussion with David i cryed. David had found something that reminded him of sam and was feeling yuck as well. We also discussed running away from this house full of memories of sams life and death and then we had to carry on with life. It seems so unfair that life goes on regardless of how we feel! I went to the funeral home to get the photos of the funeral. I was able to get through it without crying thank god. I took lunch to David at work with braiden and by this time i was going through a beautiful numb time and the knot was smaller and less painful. I felt guilty about that because davids knot was still really bad so i pretented my was too so he woulded feel like he wasn't coping. I know this is wrong.

Sunday, July 3, 2011
20 June 2011
Sam Died today,i can't talk about it yet the pain in overwhelming. When i think back i just remember the pain of my family as we held each other crying unable to stop and them having to drag me away from my baby because they where taking him away that is all i can write at the momment
21 June 2011
My husband and i had held each other all night and cryed and cryed, and then my second day in this nightmare started. I don't remember alot except i just said over and over "i want my baby back, please god i want my baby back" We cryed all day david and i and the kids it was another day of unbearable pain. We had to go to the police station to give statements and i fell apart and they had to call the doctor.
22 June 2011
Today was the day we had to organise the funeral,it was also the day i got my baby back. I went to dress him at 10am and braiden came, he was so brave. At 11am david and the kids came and i was so happy we were all with sam. When we bought him home to the house i ran outside, i was so happy my baby was home.
23 June 2011
Today they took Sam to the funeral home between 10am and 2pm so all his friends could go and say goodbye to him. God i missed him, it was almost unbearable knowing that i had so little time with him and i had to share him. Braiden stayed with his brother for the whole day and welcomed people and comforted them. I was so proud of him.
24 June
Today we buried our baby, I was the calmest day i had had. Everyone said that i wouldn't be able to cope with the eulogy but i knew i didn't have a choice and it was my job as a mum to do what i needed to do.

The first day of the rest of my life

Thirteen days ago on the 20th June 2011 my whole world came crashing down around me. My life will never be the same and i feel like i can't breathe from the pain of losing my baby boy. Sam was 16 years 40 weeks and 1 day old when he died. As i write this i am crying because i didn't have him long enough, i want him back and i can't make it happen. I don't know how to deal with this, i don't know what to do, nobody has the answers and its just not fair! I loved him so much and it is too much to bear thinking that i will never see my beautiful boys face again. I know i will survive but today i wish i hadn't. I don't know why i am writing this except maybe i am hoping that by writing this down i will somehow be able to get the pain out and start breathing again.

I miss you

God Sam i miss you so much. It is getting worse not better, i would do anything to get you back. i hate this so much, i would do anything to change it. Everytime i think things may be getting a little better i fall back into this hole full of this dreadful ache and it is to much to bere. I feel hopeless to do anything, i just want to die from the pain. How much longer sam til i can start to live again. I am starting to think never, i hate this!!!!!!