Last night i sat up alone until 1.30am watching the funeral video over and over. I don't know why, i never know why anymore. After my last bad patch which lasted a month and finally finished 3 days before sam 17th birthday i thought i would get a reasonably long good period. Instead i got 1 week and 2 days before it all turned to crap again. I organised for friends to come to the cemetary, share dinner and let off balloons. About 50 people came. Braiden wanted it but in the end couldn't organise so i had to. It was weird and uncomfortable so i spent the whole time trying to make people more comfortable ( mostly the teenagers). People seems to enjoy writing notes to sam on balloons and letting them off which i didn't really see because i was taping it. Funny that getting memories that i can keep are more important than the actual event!Its the school holidays and braiden is in auckland for the week so just the two little ones home. This has made me realise how small my family is now sam is gone and i hate it! I moved sam back into his own room the other day as he had moved rooms the morning he died and it didn't feel right. It wasn't that hard except the smells and of course being in the bloody shed! I think i feel better that he is were he is ment to be now. David is so withdrawn from me now that i think he may hate me. He never talks to me except to say something mean or correct me or judge me. I can understand why everyone gets divorced when your child dies. I am pretty sure he is depressed but wont go to the doctors because i guess he is happy doing what he is doing. I have spent the morning looking up more websites about suicide, which of course made things worse! I am going to try to write in here more often so i can keep track of my emotions.
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