Two Weeks Today

It has been two weeks since my baby died. I woke up unbearably sad. It amazes me that i can be that sad when i have only been awake for 1 second. i had to get up to get the kids ready for school I had a migraine which i had to jab for and i managed to hold myself together long enough to get them to school. Braiden didn't want to go to school but i made him pretend he was and come in the car so the Nathaniel and Holly would go without getting upset because they had to go. I just don't have the energy to deal with them being at home. I know its not their fault but they are getting back to normal in the sense that they are argueing and not doing as they are told and it makes me feel angry that they would do that when i am so sad. I managed to go to the supermarket and get teabags and milk and then Braiden wanted to get the stuff he needed to make necklaces from the left over paua shell we had used to sprinkle over sam at the funeral. I didn't want to but he needed to do it so we went to several shops until we found what he needed. He felt much better after that. I came back just as christa arrived. I had a cup of tea with david during which we talked about the huge knots we have in our stomach and discussed how we thought we could get rid of them. The only way we have figured out is to cry. I have explained to the kids that it is like when you have a tummy bug. You feel really sick and then when you vomit you feel a bit better for a little while. During the discussion with David i cryed. David had found something that reminded him of sam and was feeling yuck as well. We also discussed running away from this house full of memories of sams life and death and then we had to carry on with life. It seems so unfair that life goes on regardless of how we feel! I went to the funeral home to get the photos of the funeral. I was able to get through it without crying thank god. I took lunch to David at work with braiden and by this time i was going through a beautiful numb time and the knot was smaller and less painful. I felt guilty about that because davids knot was still really bad so i pretented my was too so he woulded feel like he wasn't coping. I know this is wrong.

Sunday, July 3, 2011
20 June 2011
Sam Died today,i can't talk about it yet the pain in overwhelming. When i think back i just remember the pain of my family as we held each other crying unable to stop and them having to drag me away from my baby because they where taking him away that is all i can write at the momment
21 June 2011
My husband and i had held each other all night and cryed and cryed, and then my second day in this nightmare started. I don't remember alot except i just said over and over "i want my baby back, please god i want my baby back" We cryed all day david and i and the kids it was another day of unbearable pain. We had to go to the police station to give statements and i fell apart and they had to call the doctor.
22 June 2011
Today was the day we had to organise the funeral,it was also the day i got my baby back. I went to dress him at 10am and braiden came, he was so brave. At 11am david and the kids came and i was so happy we were all with sam. When we bought him home to the house i ran outside, i was so happy my baby was home.
23 June 2011
Today they took Sam to the funeral home between 10am and 2pm so all his friends could go and say goodbye to him. God i missed him, it was almost unbearable knowing that i had so little time with him and i had to share him. Braiden stayed with his brother for the whole day and welcomed people and comforted them. I was so proud of him.
24 June
Today we buried our baby, I was the calmest day i had had. Everyone said that i wouldn't be able to cope with the eulogy but i knew i didn't have a choice and it was my job as a mum to do what i needed to do.

The first day of the rest of my life

Thirteen days ago on the 20th June 2011 my whole world came crashing down around me. My life will never be the same and i feel like i can't breathe from the pain of losing my baby boy. Sam was 16 years 40 weeks and 1 day old when he died. As i write this i am crying because i didn't have him long enough, i want him back and i can't make it happen. I don't know how to deal with this, i don't know what to do, nobody has the answers and its just not fair! I loved him so much and it is too much to bear thinking that i will never see my beautiful boys face again. I know i will survive but today i wish i hadn't. I don't know why i am writing this except maybe i am hoping that by writing this down i will somehow be able to get the pain out and start breathing again.