Two Weeks Today

It has been two weeks since my baby died. I woke up unbearably sad. It amazes me that i can be that sad when i have only been awake for 1 second. i had to get up to get the kids ready for school I had a migraine which i had to jab for and i managed to hold myself together long enough to get them to school. Braiden didn't want to go to school but i made him pretend he was and come in the car so the Nathaniel and Holly would go without getting upset because they had to go. I just don't have the energy to deal with them being at home. I know its not their fault but they are getting back to normal in the sense that they are argueing and not doing as they are told and it makes me feel angry that they would do that when i am so sad. I managed to go to the supermarket and get teabags and milk and then Braiden wanted to get the stuff he needed to make necklaces from the left over paua shell we had used to sprinkle over sam at the funeral. I didn't want to but he needed to do it so we went to several shops until we found what he needed. He felt much better after that. I came back just as christa arrived. I had a cup of tea with david during which we talked about the huge knots we have in our stomach and discussed how we thought we could get rid of them. The only way we have figured out is to cry. I have explained to the kids that it is like when you have a tummy bug. You feel really sick and then when you vomit you feel a bit better for a little while. During the discussion with David i cryed. David had found something that reminded him of sam and was feeling yuck as well. We also discussed running away from this house full of memories of sams life and death and then we had to carry on with life. It seems so unfair that life goes on regardless of how we feel! I went to the funeral home to get the photos of the funeral. I was able to get through it without crying thank god. I took lunch to David at work with braiden and by this time i was going through a beautiful numb time and the knot was smaller and less painful. I felt guilty about that because davids knot was still really bad so i pretented my was too so he woulded feel like he wasn't coping. I know this is wrong.