26.09.2011

I dropped the kids off at school today and have come home and spent the morning looking up websites about suicide. I am now crying and yet again feeling unbearably sad and ripped off. Nothing is a same, it never will be. I rang the coroners office and left a message. I want an inquest so the system that didn't work for sam can get changed to help others. I think thats what i want anyway. I have never been a really angry person but now i am angry at just about everyone. If this is how every day is going to be for me i dont know how bloody long i will last. I remember at about 1am the day sam died, (i found him at 5.30pm) david and i were in our bedroom crying and talking about how we were going to get through this the healthiest way possible so our family didn't fall apart. 3 months later i cry when they are not around and don't when they are, i will do anything to avoid shareing my grief with my family, it is mine and i want to withdraw and be sad by myself. I think david just wants to be strong in the hope that it will make me better. I think he feels helpless and i don't blame him. Its a huge mess that seems to be getting worse not better. As time goes on i feel like it is going to be impossible to fix this. When sam first died i had hope that god would see us through this and we would come out the other side okish, i don't feel that now. I have no hope at all that things will ever be better than they are now. Sam was incredible, he was gentle and caring he loved animals and family, he loved being on the farm and playing with his brothers and sisters. I don't know why it all had to turn to crap. I thought i was doing enough but the truth is i wasn't. There was more i could have done but i was scared of pissing people off, upsetting people and ruining relationships. Stupid world that didn't have a place for my son that would make him fit in!!! I miss him so much, what the fuck am i going to do.